Inebriated bystander, , claims to have seen "Unicorn" assaulting neighbors and defiling property
by Wahlter Concrite
Scientifically unexplainable rainbow streak still can be seen for days after unexplained and violent Unicorn altercation.
Unicorn witness
"I just knew that if i believed Unicorns existed they would totally exist.", claims alleged eyewitness in a bizarre public scene where many are claiming a mythical Unicorn appeared and then assaulted locals before defacing private property.
Jolene Filch, HOA director, had a personalized megaphone and was forcefully communicating association violations of the neighborhood’s barnyard policy while we were conducting our interviews. “Unicorns are a clear violation of HOA regulations! Whoever owns this unicorn will be given citations and may face legal action! I am in control and you will respect my authority!”, Filch blared over the loudspeaker.
Yesterday evening is when the reported events unfolded as local vagrant, , illustrates, “I seen it come out of the empty lot next to the Piggly Wiggly all majestic and [expletive]. We was hitting’ the Ripple, the shrooms and huffin’ the gas then we saw a Unicorn trot out. Sure looked like rainbow and glitters to me”
, was also witnessed trying to sprinkle “holy water” on the animal from an off brand bottle of alcohol. The Unicorn responded with “some sort of energy rainbow” emanating from its posterior knocking them all to the ground. A homeowner in the area describes the event “I … uhh … I’m having a hard time explaining it but … it sure looked like … you know … with the tail going up and then … but the glitter and rainbow … I’ve seen horses pass gas before but I’ve never seen anything like this.”
Bizarrely, a self described “spiritual MLM guru” named Rami Chopra was walking amongst his neighbors proclaiming the “spiritual sales significance” of the event. Residents explain how Chopra’s claim was muddied by sales pitches for new pyramid scheme associates with promises of riches attainable by selling: assorted soaps, keychains, house cleaning products and pet stain sprays.
Witnesses say at one point Chopra approached the Unicorn with his pet stain spray when it neighed and stomped the ground. Within seconds an aggressive and possibly rabid badger sprang forth from the brush, assaulted multiple bystanders, attacked Rami and then destroyed his products in a dizzying spectacle.
It’s reported that the Unicorn then let out a loud neigh, sat next to Chopra in his driveway and then slowly scooted across it similar to how a dog tries to relieve inflamed pineal glands. What was left behind has been described as a glittery rainbow streak of feces. This reporter witnessed Rami in his driveway trying to remove the streak with his cleaning products to no avail while questioning witnesses to the event.
Experts are speculating there was a natural gas leak or possibly toxins in the water supply as a way to explain what could be a mass hallucination event but locals disagreed and reports have been corroborated.
The locals will forever remember this as the Unicorn Butt Scrape incident.
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that his poor poor wife must endure on a daily basis as a captive audience with probable Stockholm
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Dubai
Singapore
© SlappyWares. We totally did all this.
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